I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
