I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
