Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
