I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
