I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
