Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
