i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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