So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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