im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
