so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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