i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
