Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
