a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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