how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
