she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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