Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
