He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
