I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
