I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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