Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
FUCK WHALES
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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