I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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