Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
