you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
