I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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