I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
bring money and cleavage
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
