Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
