I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You've changed since you got that strap on
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
