from now on my penis is your penis
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
