I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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