the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
