Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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