walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
a search helicopter?!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
