Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
