I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
