So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
