Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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