i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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