I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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