I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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