At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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