My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
