I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
BRING THE BAGELS
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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