she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
