hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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