Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
