hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
