I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
