It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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