He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
