the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
