I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
