I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
